


Clarke Griffin and Lexa prompts

by CaelumBlack



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, Romance, prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3599583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaelumBlack/pseuds/CaelumBlack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Several prompts, some are about The 100 characters and storylines  (Lexa, Clarke), others are AU and about them meeting in what could be real life situations. These are all Clexa situations, stories and prompts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What really happened on that ledge

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

What really happened on that ledge

She was a warrior, one with her blade, she was the commander, bringer of death. She was a vengeful ghost as she made her way through the enemy lines, using the darkness and shadows as cover. She moved swiftly, relentlessly from one Mountain Man to another, aiming for throats, legs, arms, not even bothering to kill them but wounding them beyond recovery. All around her bullets flew through the pitch black sky, she could not see them but she heard them. Left and right she saw her warriors get hit in their attempt to protect her, their Heda but she needed no protection, she was the Commander reincarnated, she was born for this, she would survive and if not, her spirit would leave her body and find another. Death was not the end so she did not fear it, did not fear the immediate threat in front of her, the threats hidden in the shadows around her. She was one with the blade and would not stop until she made them feel her wrath. 

Her blood was boiling as she reached the trees from where the bullets kept coming. A growl formed in her chest as she raised her sword in the air only to slash a man’s throat in one swift movement without pausing, her eyes already finding her next kill, the next coward who hid behind his gun. He had no chance, did not even see her coming, did not see his impending death coming by the hand of death itself. She moved soundlessly through the trees, finding one target after the next. Warm blood covered the hilt of her sword but she never lost her grip, hot, sticky rivers of blood dripped down her hands, drops of it stuck to her face, dripped down her eyes, making it harder to see with each kill. She did not need her eyes to kill though, she felt every heartbeat that needed to stop, beating with hers. She could locate every traitorous murderer with the guidance of her intuition. She was dancing, with the enemy, with death itself and it felt miraculous, she felt alive.

Suddenly the shooting stopped and for a second she considered whether they were victorious, whether they had deprived those bastards of their unworthy existence. The sudden quiet of the night was deafening as she stood there in the middle of a pitch black forest, holding her breath, waiting what was to come. She expected a deafening roar of her people, of her warriors but none came. 

"Stop" a deep voice said into the night, ringing loud and clear without raising his voice "I am here to make a deal with your commander".

She heard the voice and found her body turning toward the sound, back to the clearing above the door they had so desperately been trying to open. It felt like hours since she had been standing next to Clarke, since she had been able to look into the sea-blue eyes that she so desperately hoped to see again. 

There was movement to her right and she found her bodyguards making their way over to her from the shadows, immediately flanking her from both sides. She stood there for a second that seemed to last hours, contemplating whether this was a trap, whether this Mountain Man was to be trusted. Her gut said no but her head told her to at least listen. She could always end his life should his deal turn out to be either preposterous or insincere.

With her guards by her side she made her way over to the man who stood in the middle of the clearing, his hands raised into the air, surrounded by her men who all had their swords aimed at him, he seemed unconcerned though and that made her feel nervous, why was he here, what kind of deal was he about to offer her? A million questions raced through her mind as she confidently made her way toward the man, making sure she kept her expression in check, stoic, emotionless. She wondered whether Clarke would see the turmoil reflect in her eyes, the uncertainty that her warriors would not because they did not want to see. All they wanted to see was strength, she was their Heda, their strength and motivation. 

“Commander” the man started with a nod the moment she stopped in front of him, close enough to see his lip twitch despite his calm demeanour, yet far enough away for him to be unable to lift a finger to hurt her before his body would be run through by at least ten swords. The first of which would be hers. 

“Commander” he said again “President Cage has sent me here to strike a deal between our people”.   
She cocked an eyebrow but said nothing as she waited for him to continue. 

“President cage offers to let your people go, all of your people and promises that your people have nothing to fear from the Mountain ever again” he said, emphasizing the words your people twice. 

For a long moment she merely stood there, her entire body ablaze as she heard him speak, wondering whether she really did understand what he had said correctly, hoping that she was not.

“What do you mean with your people” Lexa asked, keeping her voice in check while her insides roiled.  
“Your people Commander, the people of the ground, they are on their way to be released as we speak, we have no need of them”.

She understood, they really did not need them anymore, not with the Sky People within their grasp. She understood his words, the offer brought to her by this messenger of the man that called himself the president of the mountain. She wished she did not understand, hoping that his words did not mean exactly what they meant. 

She felt her heart break while her chest collapsed inside of her, leaving her breathless as hopelessness took over her soul. She wanted to kill the man with the arrogant smirk, needed to wipe it off by running her sword through his heart, making it stop, making his blood flow out of his mortal wound. She wanted to see him fall to the ground, his eyes wide in shock at the pain, at the finality as life rapidly flowed from his body, soaking the ground where his body would perish and be eaten by the wolves that same night. 

She asked, hoping, wishing feverishly that she was wrong “what of the Sky People”. 

He shook his head “they are not your people, you and your people, the people of the ground, every single one of them, must leave the mountainside and you will never have to fear us again”. 

She stood and looked up at the sky and fought back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her for she could not afford to be emotional. Clarke had been right when she had confronted her, she had felt for Gustus, she still mourned over Costia, she had abhorred the thought of letting 250 people die in Tondc. Clarke had seen right through her with those eyes that reminded her of Summer days spent at the lake near where she had grown up. She wondered if she would ever see those eyes again after that night because the decision had been made the moment he had made the offer. 

Sacrificing the few to save the many. That was not a decision, it was a matter of acceptance, acknowledging that those few would die and that the blood would be on her hands. In her mind though, they did not matter, the only blood that would be on her hands that would matter was Clarke’s. She wished she could kiss her one more time, gaze upon her in daylight one last minute, see the way her hair lit up under the relentless sun, the freckles that covered the bridge of her nose. She wished for many things but wishes were meaningless in times of war. 

“What is your decision Commander” the soldier asked once more.

She hated herself more than anything she could think of right in that moment, she wanted to lift her sword and run it through her own chest, wanted to go down on her knees and beg for Clarke to be included in the deal. Invisible tears were running down her cheeks like violent rivers while her soul bled in agony. She had to fight the bile that rose up in her throat and forced the words out of her mouth in a growl.

“We are taking the deal”.


	2. Keeping it mysterious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds herself bumping into a mysterious stranger twice a day, when she does a third time, there's a quite the surprise waiting for her. 
> 
> I might add to this prompt later if there's enough love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

CHAPTER ONE

Suddenly, I sat upright and stared, then gently put down my mug of tea. I bit my lip, a smile started tugging at the corners of my mouth and started drawing. Yes, that was exactly what I had been waiting for, my fingers started moving, creating beauty, perfection, serenity on my sketch-pad. For half an hour I worked fervently, making sure I had captured it all, every detail, every shade of every color I had found in my view. Later this week, at home I would transform the drawing into a painting but for now, this was good enough. For another couple of hours I sat drawing my surroundings, then I got up from the rock I’d been sitting on for the past couple of hours, my limbs were stiff with the cold of the early morning air and for a minute I moved about, stretching until my back popped. After that I put my drawing gear into my backpack and grabbed my bicycle from the ground. I decided I would go for coffee first and then I would go home, put on something else and head out again in order to meet up with my best friend, we were going to spend the rest of the day together. We were going to spend the day walking around town, getting a bit of shopping done, having coffee, dinner at Arcade and tonight we will be going to a birthday party. Might as well enjoy everything on this beautiful and sunny day. 

The day had barely started and I was thankful for that, I wanted to have this full day ahead of me rather than behind me. I got on my bicycle, turned on my iPod and made my way downtown, the sun had just risen in the sky and since it was early still, it was quiet outside. There were only few cars and few people going about their business. The weather was perfect, it was still chilly but the rays of sunshine and the blue sky proved it was going to be a perfect day. It took me twenty minutes of cycling to get me downtown and I was glad to find only three people instead of the usual twenty, standing in line at my favorite Starbucks. I locked my bike against a lamppost and went inside. I ordered myself a cappuccino with whipped cream, feeling in the mood to treat myself. As I stood waiting for my drink to be made I switched my iPod to a new album, I decided to go with the newest XX album and turned up the volume a little. As I waited I pulled my right ear pod out of my ear so I would actually hear my name being called out.

"Claire" the boy asked.

I nodded at the boy and smiled a small smile. Close enough.

"Would you like whipped cream on it".

"Yes please".

He put a lot of whipped cream on it and offered it with a big, flirtatious smile.

"Here you go".

"Thank you".

"Enjoy your day".

"You too".

I took the lid off the cup and turned around to get to the stand where I could get a stirrer, stupid enough though, I didn't see the woman making her way out of the Starbucks and she probably thought I'd be paying attention. As was usual during the past couple of months, I wasn't. So when the woman bumped into me, the entire cup of coffee was spilled over me.

"Crap, I'm so sorry" the woman said in an Australian voice.

"It's all right, it was my fault" I said, still looking down at my front, I was covered in coffee and whipped cream. I looked terrible but didn't feel angry, it had been my fault after all.

I looked up into a pair of bright green eyes and my heart started racing, my hands started shaking as my heart beat loudly inside my chest at the eye contact. Who was this woman. 

At the same time the boy who had made my coffee came with a clean, folded dishcloth, he handed it to me "I'll make you a new one".

"Are you okay" the woman asked as I tried to clean myself up.

"I'm fine, let me tell you one thing though, the coffee isn't as hot as the lid warns it should be" I said in a slight whisper and with a wink.

The woman laughed "I'm really sorry".

"It's fine, don't worry about it, it happens".

"Still though, I’m really sorry, I will totally pay for your dry cleaning".

"Seriously don't worry about it".

I continued to clean my clothes but it wasn't of any use, they would only get clean after a spin in the washing machine. 

"Can I offer you something with your coffee? To make this up to you".

I smiled apologetically "I’m sorry but I don’t have time, I am kind of in a hurry".

"Oh all right".

The boy arrived with the coffee and handed it to me "Here you go". 

"Thanks, again".

I turned to the woman, she stood patiently, a soft look on her face.

"Once again, I’m sorry".

"Once again, don't you worry about it" I added a smile to prove I really meant it.

"Okay, okay. I believe you".

"Have a nice day okay".

"Yeah, you too" the woman said, she stared at me with her big green eyes.

I spun on my heels, careful that no one was around me this time, without looking back I made my way outside, only when I had unlocked my bicycle and gotten on it with my brand new coffee in my had, did I look over my shoulder to take a final peek at the woman, she still stood in the same place, watching me. If she saw me looking at her she didn’t show it. If only I’d had more time, I would have loved to sketch her, there was something about her eyes that I found very attractive. Perhaps later I could draw her from my memories. I smiled, that was a good idea. Then I put my ear pods back in my ears and my feet on the pedals and I was off. 

I got home about half an hour later, once home I threw off my jeans, sweater and Chucks. I took off my boxers and my bra and grabbed myself a set of clean towels, then I got myself in the shower. I found my thoughts going back to the Woman at the Starbucks. I couldn’t get the pair of eyes from my mind. I sighed and forced her from my mind, today I would concentrate on having fun.

After toweling myself dry I grabbed myself a pair of jeans. With that I put on a black tee and a dark, flannel shirt. Finally I grabbed a pair of sneakers and my a backpack. The last things to do were brushing my teeth, put on some make-up, mascara and eyeliner and finally I put a hand through my long, blonde hair in order to get it back in place again. 

Finally, once finished I went downstairs where I got a note-pad along with a sketch-pad and my camera. I took a bottle of water from the fridge and put it in my a side-pocket of my bag pack. I slung it over my shoulder and grabbed my keys, then I went outside. Since Raven and I had agreed to meet half way between where we lived we were going to meet at Times Square. Moving through the city center by bicycle was not a good idea and neither was going by car, it was going to be busy so I had decided to go by subway. 

It was an uneventful ride to the Times Square station, it was only when I got off that things became interesting. The subway stopped and I got out, deciding to get myself a cup of coffee since I was early and since my friend would probably be late. The doors opened and I got out, taking a few steps upon the platform. First, because of the blur of people getting off the subway and others getting in, I didn’t hear the voice but once I did I stopped, standing still in the middle of the platform, people bumped into me and told me to move on but I didn’t listen to them, I just stood there, stock still, like a statue. I could hear someone singing. It was a female voice and it rung loudly and clearly through the air, the voice was enchanting, singing a song I had never heard before in my life, still, it gave me goose bumps, it was that beautiful. As I stood upon the platform, the people moving past me, all having somewhere to be, all in a hurry, I listened to the singer, desperately wanting to be able to draw the exact feeling that I was experiencing. At the same time I knew that was impossible, I felt so overwhelmed at the sound of that voice, my heart was racing, my throat was dry, my hands were shaking. What was happening to me? 

As the song continued I decided to take a peek at the singer, wondering who this woman could be, feeling a desperate need to look at the person that belonged to that angelic voice. I took a couple of steps and dared to take a look, hoping my view would not screw up the magic of the music. To my surprise I found myself staring at the same woman who had bumped into me this morning. That was a big coincidence, perhaps too big. The woman had her eyes closed as she sang, her hands raised into the air. I had noticed that she was beautiful this morning but now, as she stood there singing, she was even more beautiful. Not the perfect, Hollywood star beautiful but a little rough around the edges, long brown hair, perfect skin that would make any woman jealous, full lips, piercing green eyes. She was tall, taller than me, or perhaps she wasn’t and did it just look like that from where I stood. She wore a pair of jeans, a black top and a black leather jacket. Again I felt the need to draw her and I automatically reached for my sketch-pad in my backpack, for a while I just stood sketching. The woman didn’t appear to see me, or perhaps she didn’t recognize me, it was good either way, I didn’t like to be watched while drawing. It didn’t take me long to finish the sketch. After the woman had stopped singing she started talking to some of the spectators and while she did I continued sketching her, trying my best to capture the beauty that came from within. When the last of them walked away I found a pair of green eyes looking at me. She made her way over to me. 

“You again” I said.

“Here to get coffee spoiled all over you again” she asked, a grin on her face. 

“Perhaps” I smiled.

“So, what are you doing here really”.

“I am on my way to meet someone”.

“Ah, that someone the reason you couldn’t have something to go with your coffee”.

“Yes, I was afraid I’d be late, especially because I suddenly needed an extra shower”.

“Are you, late I mean”.

“I think I will be yes”.

“Do you mind”.

“Not particularly”.

“Why not”.

“Because this is a very good reason to be late”.

A shy smile appeared on her face. Was I flirting? Looked and sounded like it. Strange, I had never thought I was even able to flirt with anyone ever again, let alone do it successfully and make someone smile and blush. 

“What do you have there” the woman asked, curiously looking at my sketch-pad.

“Oh, right, eh, I was drawing you”.

“Really”.

She appeared to be sincerely interested. 

I handed it over, which is something I normally wouldn’t have done but since this was a sketch of her, I thought it was only fair to show it to her. The woman stared at the sketch, her eyes wide, her cheeks grew red “wow, this is amazing, I look really good, this is really amazing, you are a very talented artist”. 

“Thank you, that means a lot”.

I wasn’t sure why it meant a lot, I had just drawn what I had seen. 

“You know, you are quite the talented artist yourself, you have a beautiful voice, you should do more than sing in subway stations”. 

For a moment she looked at me funny. Had I said something stupid? Then a smile appeared on her face, she extended her hand for an introduction, I took her soft but warm hand in mine and held it while she said her name.

“I’m Lexa Woods” she said.

“Nice to meet you Lexa, I’m Clarke Griffin”. 

For another moment she looked at me intensely, then her gaze relaxed, like I passed some sort of test, I didn’t completely understand but didn’t want to ask. 

At the same time my phone rang, I took it from my pocket and saw it was my best friend.

“So, Clarke Griffin, I guess you don’t have time for my apology-something-with-your-coffee from this morning, since you’re meeting someone” the woman said, making it sound more mysterious than it actually was. 

I smiled “no, I really don’t, I’m sorry”.  
“What are you doing later today”.

“Dinner with my friend and a birthday”.

“Busy woman you are, and tomorrow”.

I looked down at my shoes, I would not think about the future, I would not think about tomorrow because the future was an unexplored and untouchable thing, uncertain and unattainable in so many ways. 

“I won’t be available, I’m really sorry” my phone rang again “look, I’m sorry, it was really nice to meet you but I have to go, I’m so sorry” I said. 

I turned around and started walking. 

“Clarke, wait, please” she called after me, I didn’t respond and took the stairs two at a time, I just had to get away. 

 

A couple of minutes later I reached Bryant Park, feeling upset and ready to cry. It had been like that for a while now, the tiniest thing could make me cry lately. Raven sat waiting for me on a bench near the entrance, she immediately saw something was wrong. 

“Babe, what happened, are you all right” she asked, getting up and waiting for me to enter her comforting embrace, she held me tight, shushing me, telling me everything would be all right. I felt like crying but desperately didn’t want to. After a while I just pulled back, out of her embrace. 

“Shall we take a walk, get a cup of coffee somewhere and talk” I asked.

“Sure”.

In silence we walked to the nearest Starbucks where we got ourselves a frappuccino. Then we started walking, again in silence. I knew Raven was waiting for me to start talking, to start explaining why I was so upset. Also, I knew that she would not speak before me, so I might as well get it out there.

“Okay, so, this morning I went to the Starbucks and I bumped into someone, literally, or, well, actually, she bumped into me and spilled my entire coffee over me. So while I was cleaning the coffee off my clothes we talked a little bit and she offered to pay for something with my coffee but I had to go because I had to take a shower before I’d meet you. So anyway, then, I went home and showered and when I came to meet you I saw her singing at the subway station, which is why I was a little late. We talked again and she asked me whether I wanted to hang out later but I said I couldn’t. Then she asked, what about tomorrow and I just didn’t know what to say, all I wanted to do was run away because I don’t want to think about the future”. 

Raven listened patiently, sipping her coffee frappuccino every now and then.

“So, she was flirting with you, asking you out on a date”.

“I don’t know, she wanted to make it up to me, for spilling the coffee all over me earlier”.

“Sounds like she was asking you out, were you two flirting”?

“Yes we were flirting”.

“Was she cute”.

“Very”.

“You’re a fool”.

“Why”.

“You should have asked her to join you tonight, at the birthday party”.

“But it’s not my party”.

“True, but there are going to be a lot of people, like a hundred or something, it’s going to be a big-ass-beach-party”. 

I felt like a fool “oh”.

We walked on. 

“Did you at least give her your number or did you get hers”?

“I ran away before she could”. 

Right then I felt very ashamed, I had behaved like a moron. Luckily I would never see her again. Running into her twice was already more than unlikely, let alone three times. 

“Did you at least ask her name”. 

“Yes, she introduced herself”. 

“Let’s look her up on Facebook later okay”. 

“Yes, that sounds like a plan, thanks”.

Raven smiled and put an arm around me “let’s enjoy today shall we”.

And we did, first we just walked around a bit, then we did some shopping, we had lunch outside in the sun, then we did some more shopping. It was a good day, we talk a lot, we laughed a lot, it was a lot like the old days, back when we were younger. Since we had grown up life had torn us apart, well, her job had taken her away from me, as an engineer she made long days as well as too many days. Since I was an artist, I was busy as well but I was able to make time for meeting friends and family. She just couldn’t afford to do that and I understood her reasoning, she was well on her way to become a very big engineer and it was important to her. So ever since she started working at her current job, I had accepted the way things were and I loved every day we did get to spend together.  
After dinner we went back to my place where we both changed. My outfit didn’t change much from what I had been wearing all day. We were ready to go around eight. We got into my car and drove off to the beach, the party had already started, the sun had already gone down and the music was playing loudly, both inside and outside the house. There were a lot of people, just like Raven had promised and that suited me just fine, I didn’t feel like an intimate gathering where everyone knew me.

As we stood talking to the girls we had just been introduced to, Raven was doing most of the talking as usual. 

"Clarke, there’s someone I want you to meet by the way" Costia suddenly said, gently pulling at my arm. 

"Who" I asked.

"You don't know her".

"Ah, there she is" Costia smiled, gesturing at someone behind me to come over.

I waited, feeling an excited feeling deep inside my stomach. I was nervous.

"Clarke, meet Lexa Woods, Lexa, meet Clarke Griffin" Costia said. 

My heart started fluttering at hearing the name when the realization hit me, which resulted in my heart suddenly dropping a foot inside my chest as I watched how Costia put her arm around Lexa, I saw how Lexa's face changed when she saw me. She appeared to be shocked, she had obviously not expected me. We both stood opposite each other, staring. I offered her my hand after a long, uncomfortable moment. She took it without a word. That was the second time I held her warm hand in mine. For a moment I didn't want to let it go. Which was silly of course. Neither Raven nor Costia seemed to notice our strange behavior. Raven introduced herself to Lexa while I looked at my shoes, feeling her gaze burning into me. I wanted to go home again. 

"So, how long have you been dating" I heard Raven ask, I recognized the surprise in her voice. It was only a tenth of the surprise I felt. 

"About a month right" Costia said, looking aside at Lexa who kept staring at me, not paying attention to Costia or Raven.

I started to feel sick. Hundreds of excuses started to form in my head but I couldn't get any past my lips, so I just stood there, avoiding the green eyes that belonged to Lexa Woods, who was trying her best to catch my eye. Costia still had her arm around Lexa.

"Clarke, are you all right, you look like you've seen a ghost" Raven suddenly asked, putting a hand on my arm.

"I'm sorry, I have to go" I said and I ran out for the third time that day.


	3. Lexa's first kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When and why did Lexa have her first kill and why is Clarke still alive the moment they first meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

LEXA’S FIRST KILL

She had been roaming the earth for thirteen summers only when she made her first kill. It had not been planned but it had been inevitable in her preparation to become a warrior. She remembered how it felt, having to slice a man’s throat, she could still feel the blood gush down her hands, hear him struggle for breath, gurgling sounds the only thing that escaped his mouth. She recalled the man’s eyes, turning from dark grey to black, the look in his eyes turning from surprise to undulated terror. She remembered all of is along with the sound his body made when falling to the ground with a bone-breaking thud. She could still see the way his blood soaked the ground and the metallic smell of blood that dominated the air. She recollected how the first time she had taken someone’s life had given her nightmares for months after. 

She had known when she had first spotted the man from the Ice Nation, nearly soundlessly making his way through the forest in the near-darkness of dawn, that it was going to be him or her and that there was no way back. She had been out hunting with a couple of other warriors when she had followed a trail of tracks that turned out to belong to the invader. He was obviously a scout, which she recognized because of the way his face showed no sign of the white face paint that was distinctive for the warriors of ice. The white face paint was their way of blending in within their surroundings up north. When they were not surrounded by ice and snow though, it made them stand out like a fish on land. 

She had seen the ice warriors fight, their expressions grim and fierce, their faces chalky white, their clothes shades of white and grey. She had seen them move through the forests around her village, like ghosts, spirits in the flesh, bound to their promise to take revenge on their sworn enemies, those clans who had aligned themselves. They killed everyone they could, warriors, children, the elderly. One of them had killed the mother of her father on a warm spring day not too long ago, she had been hacked apart, her head cut off. She had found the body had been found a day after, she had been the one who had to chase away the many animals that tried to get a piece of her. It had been hard to recognize the person lying on the ground, clothes ripped, flesh torn from bones but she there had been no doubt in her mind as to who the person lying on the ground in front of her was. She knew the ring with the black stone that contained stars, that the person on the ground still wore on the middle finger of her right hand, she had seen it many times, tried it on many times as she grew from a young girl into a fearless warrior. 

She had been thirteen summers only when she first thirsted for revenge, needed to feel the heartbeat that belonged to the murdered of her grandmamma, slow down and fade until it no longer existed. She craved seeing the life in his eyes fade until it winked out of existence as she knelt down next to the body that had once belonged to a woman she loved dearly, the woman who had brought her up, taught her many things. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks as she took the ring and put it around her thumb, she promised that she would keep it safe, spoke it out loud to the trees and the animals around her, to the sky and the sun, before kissing the stars as a final vow. 

She spoke the words “Gonplei ste odon”, their traditional way of saying goodbye to their warriors. In their tribe everyone was a warrior because once a warrior always a warrior, no matter your age or inability to fight due to injuries. 

It had taken her five full moons before she could extract her revenge on one of the Ice Nation warriors but it had been worth it as she moved through the trees without sound, following the man who moved cautiously and carefully from shadow to shadow. She had used the element of surprise to her advantage, careful not to let out a battle scream, no matter how much she wanted to announce his impending death.

She had stalked her kill for about an hour before she attacked, before she ran out from the cover of darkness and jumped on his back and slid his throat messily, blood splashing everywhere, on her hands, her clothes, even her face as she pulled back his head accidently, sliding the knife in too deep because she killed out of uncontrolled anger that had been building for five full moons. 

She remembered standing there, hovering above the first man she had ever killed and had expected to feel many things, pride, relief, satisfaction but she felt nothing of the sort. She felt strange upon realizing that she now was a true warrior like her father, like her mother, like their mothers and fathers were or had been. There was this thickness in her throat that made it difficult to breathe, a heaviness pressing down on her chest and her legs felt like they had turned to stone as she made her way back to camp, careful not to wash away the blood that proved she was now truly a woman, a warrior who would stop at nothing to protect her clan.

Later that night, after receiving her first kill-mark, her mother told her that the first kill was always the worst because it split the soul in half and that hurt more than any physical pain. The second kill would be easier but it would still hurt and the third would be easier still until the fourth would be bearable and the fifth tolerable. It would take time but she would learn to accept that taking lives was a way of living, it was their way of staying alive. In times of war there was only one rule to live by and that was kill or be killed. It turned out her mother had been right that it no longer hurt as much from the inside after her fifth kill but the nightmares had never truly stopped. 

Those had been a different times, a time where she had not yet been the Commander, a time where she had not felt the continuous responsibility of keeping her people safe day after day, back then, that responsibility had not yet weighed heavily upon her shoulders and she had felt lighter then. All those years ago she had just been Lexa, a promising warrior still in training, skilled with the sword from a young age. Looking back she could not recall the time where she did not train, all she remembered was sparring, attacking, defending, broken bones and flesh wounds while she learned more about dancing with death every single day as she grew both physically and mentally.   
All she had wanted was to become a great warrior, protector of her people, fighter for justice or revenge. It had all been only relative until that first kill, taking that man’s live had changed everything for her. 

She had always known she was different from the other girls in the village where she grew up, though they were being prepared to become warriors, just like her, their minds wandered further than training sessions and becoming legend. Unlike them, Lexa cared not for the boys and girls like the others her age seemed to do much. Her sole focus was to become as great a fighter as her father, as skilled a tracker like her mother, to become a legend like her great grandfather, to have her name known among all the clans in the alliance. She explored the lands around her village, found places no one ever had seen before, she travelled with her father from village to villages, from the far mountains to the sea, she saw Polis, their capital city, with her own eyes when she was only fourteen summers. 

She had been an explorer of the world, a killer of Ice men and slowly people all around had learned her name whispered around fires. She had wanted her enemy to know of her ways with the sword, she needed them to fear the thought of having to face her in battle, just like they feared her father and his father before him, she wished for her reputation to proceed her. She had longed to become a legend among her people, to make them proud. She had succeeded in that even before she had become the Commander of her people. Looking back to her ambitions and goals as a child she felt the need to smile at the knowledge of exceeding those dreams but stopped herself from doing so. This was not the time to smile. She looked back to the reason memories of her first kill had come to mind. She sat on her throne and contemplated killing the blonde in front of her, the woman who had fallen from the sky and killed three hundred of her warriors. She had been the one to tell them to attack the invaders from the stars and it had supposed to be an easy kill for them, just around eighty or ninety children against her three-hundred skilled warriors, her warriors, those with a reputation not unlike hers. The sky people should have been slaughtered. 

She gazed upon the woman in front of her, for despite her young age, she could not call her a child like most of her people. She had taken several lives so she no longer was a child. Lexa kept her expression icy and detached without effort but she was intrigued by the woman she had underestimated. She found herself being fascinated by the shade of blonde that was the colour of her hair, the blue eyes that contained so much emotion that it nearly overwhelmed her to look into them. But despite her seemingly innocent exterior, a warrior soul resided in this one and she was definitely not to be underestimated. 

This one’s reputation, not unlike herself only a few years ago, proceeded her and she needed to thread carefully around her for she was devious, she was smart and ruthless but at the same time there was so much more to her than all that, there was a spark in her eyes, a spark of life, of passion, of love, that she herself no longer possessed. 

It was that spark that was the reason she had not yet killed her like she should have done the moment they had crashed down on earth and she was fascinated by it.


	4. A not so normal day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be a day like any other, a day in which her best friend came back from her honeymoon but nothing could have prepared her for the girl she once knew very well, to return into town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

Gossip

The fact that people were whispering wasn't at all strange, in a small town like Evergreen everyone gossiped and whispered on a daily basis. It was considered the common thing to do, not gossiping was the unusual thing to do, something that surely would bring about gossip. In Evergreen, people talked and everyone knew everything about everyone, well, except for the secrets that had been long buried of course. The rumors from last week had been sparse, which normally meant something big was about to happen, anyway, let me share some of the gossip. "Did you hear that Monty, you know, Monty Green tried to steal a candy bar at Anderson's", "Have you seen what old mister Jaha was wearing to church yesterday, surely his daughters can't let him go to church into his pajamas", "That Woods kid was spotted with a lighter last week. You think he's going after his sister". That rumor, murmured to me by old widow Holmes, had given me pause. Normally I didn't listen nor care about gossip but that one had gotten to me. I hadn't said anything of course, I had merely said "Is that right misses Holmes, well, better keep an eye out" and walked away. 

The whispers today were different, were they the big thing I had thought was about to happen, they were more serious than usual and for the first time since nine years people were actually quiet and walking around with grave faces. Let me tell you, when the people of Evergreen were quiet something either very important or very tragic had happened. No one was crying except for misses Thompson but she always cried at everything, so it was most likely no one had died. No, as I was looking at the serious faces around me, I knew something important had happened. I also knew it wasn't good, I could feel it in my gut.

As I made my way through Town Square I spotted the person I was looking for, the person I was supposed to meet. She was sitting at one of the wooden benches that provided a perfect view on the entire Town Square and it's gazebo. So many memories, mostly good, mostly weddings I had been invited to. The latest wedding was probably the reason I was meeting my friend here. I was about to meet up with the newest wife in town. Raven sat with a dreamy smile on her face as she stared into what appeared to be oblivion. She looked good, healthy and happy and very, very tan. Which was exactly what four weeks of honeymooning in Mexico were supposed to do to a person.

"What's up newly-wed" I said, making my best friend jump about a foot into the air. 

"God woman, you scared me to death" she fake scowled.

She got up and gave me a hug, then we sat down.

"Were you still in Mexico just now, you seemed miles away" I asked.

"No, at my wedding day. I was picturing Finn in his suit, asking me for our first dance and husband and wife".

She had that dreamy look again.

"The two of you looked very beautiful together and honestly, Finn did make a very handsome groom".

"He really did, didn't he".

I smiled but said nothing for a while. She'd come back to reality eventually. It took her about five minutes before she turned toward me, the look on her face serious. 

"So, tell me, how's life here. How's the business, please tell me that my brother did well" Raven said, almost begging me. Like I could have done something about the outcome. Her brother hadn't been Raven but he'd played the part of temporary co-owner well enough for a boy his age. He'd opened up, closed up occasionally with help of Bellamy of course, he'd cleaned up, prepared coffee, even done a couple of kitchen shifts. Raven could be proud of him.

"He did good" I stated simply.

Raven gave me a skeptical look, making me laugh.

"He did try to sneak in a girl once during the first week but believe me when I tell you he won't ever do it again".

That made her grin “I just knew he would pull a stunt like that".

"Me too" I grinned.

"So, how's everything, the new coffee machine still working".

"You worry too much, coffee machine is fine, the salon is fine, customers are fine. It's actually been really busy. Miller quit though, he was going to travel through Europe for the coming months".

"Oh, so we're short-staffed".

"We could use another, could you ask your brother to ask around".

"Will do, so tell me, how are you".

"I'm good, been busy at the salon without you but I'm good".

That earned me a scowl "did you take off the two days a week like you promised me very explicitly before I left".

"No".

"Clarke, when will you learn". 

I laughed a little "probably never. You know I'm nothing without you right. I need my best friend to forbid me to come home or to send me home".

Raven smiled "I missed you too".

And that was that about my life, for now, she'd come back to it later, with a lot of questions and comments and opinions. I was not looking forward to that talk.

"Now, tell me all about the honeymoon. Did you swim with dolphins".

Raven began a long, very detailed description of her honeymoon, a day by day report. Raven loved telling stories but she was also quite good at it so it wasn't a drag like when most people tell about their holidays or weekends away. I listened carefully, asking a lot of questions, knowing she liked that very much.

"... and we got back last night, took a while until we had our bags but Finn's dad was waiting outside the airport so we didn't need to take a cab, which was nice". 

"So, all in all, what was the highlight of your honeymoon".

Raven thought about that for a moment "diving I think, or the boat trip or swimming with the dolphins, I can't choose really, it was all really amazing".

I smiled and gently squeezed her hand "I'm glad you had such a great time, you deserve it".

"Thanks babe".

"So, did Finn already start working today".

"Yes, unfortunately he couldn't get more days off".

For a long moment we sat in silence, enjoying each other's company, it had been a long time since we'd last seen each other and to be honest, I'd missed my best friend a lot. 

"How about we go take a look at the salon, to see if it's still standing" I said then, making Raven laugh. 

She nodded and we got up, casually making our way over to our coffee salon, talking about nothing in particular as we walked past the local grocery store, the local diner and the bakery. 

When we arrived, we found that the salon was still standing but things weren't the way they should be. Octavia was waitressing as usual, currently taking orders, our chef and long-time friend Bellamy stood in the kitchen. Behind the counter, where Jasper was supposed to be preparing drinks, stood someone else. I recognized the boy and memories stirred in the back of my head, as if awoken from a deep sleep, I only then realized that it had been more than a day since I had last thought of them. With this reminder, in the form of a boy, those memories started swirling, growing, waking. That was something I didn't want and like I had done so many times, I mentally pushed them back behind the thick, metal door I had once, long ago placed them. With a final turn of the key, I locked the door, shook my head and focused on the situation at hand. 

The boy looked up from making coffee, a smile upon his face. He wiped his hands on his apron and made his way over. He stopped in front of us and extended his hand toward me first.

"Hi, I'm Monty" he said.

I stood, dumbfounded. 

"Did you already hire someone and have you forgotten to tell me about it" Raven asked, she sounded confused. 

I was confused, no, confused was an understatement, I was angry. With sudden realization I noticed that my hands were fisted, my nails digging painfully into the palms of my hands, I was almost too angry to speak. Almost.

"You don't work here, I don't know what you're doing here but get the fuck out" I exploded.

Raven looked at me, the boy's eyes grew big "I'm sorry, you misunderstand the situation" the boy said.

"Clarke" Raven said, putting a hand gently upon my arm.

"I didn't give you permission to start working here so get your things and get out". 

The boy didn't move.

"NOW".

Only then did the boy take off his apron an practically threw it into my hands "I'm sorry for helping you out in a crisis. It won't happen again" he said and walked away.

Only then did I realize that everyone had stopped doing what they had been doing, whatever that had been, sipping coffee, eating breakfast, reading a newspaper. Only Mrs. Byrne appeared unaffected to my little outburst but then again, she was as deaf as a post. Within a matter of minutes the entire town would know about my sending away the Woods boy. 

Well, crap!

Octavia came walking up to us, she appeared angry.

"Just so you know, he was doing you a big, fat favor. Jasper came in this morning, looking green, took him about a minute before he puked out his guts, all over the counter. Believe me when I say it wasn't a pretty sight, I had to clean it so I would know. Anyway, I started calling people to fill in for him but no one picked up since it was early and all. His mom came in around nine to pick him up, poor thing, he was sweating like an ox. We tried calling you at least a dozen times but you didn't pick up either".

I checked my pockets at that. My phone wasn't in any of them. I figured I had forgotten it at home because I couldn't recall taking it with me that morning. 

"In the meantime it was getting crowded and Monty was nice enough to fill in for Jasper until we'd fine someone else or before you'd come in. He was doing a mighty fine job if you ask me. Didn't deserve to be treated the way you just did. You owe him an apology if you'd ask me".

"Was I asking you" I started.

Octavia shrugged, "guess not". 

Raven intervened there, probably seeing as I was about to explode again. She pushed me toward one of the tables "sit" she ordered.

I did.

"Octavia, thank you for telling us and for doing such a good job in a stressful situation. Of course, Clarke here will make her excuses to Monty and to you" she said.

"I will do no...".

"Shut up and apologize to Octavia".

I felt like a ten-year-old child. Still, I knew I was in the wrong and she was right. I had been acting more than foolish "I'm sorry O, I was being a bitch, taking my anger out on you. It won't happen again". 

"I'm sorry for being disrespectful boss".

We both smiled a little tentative then. 

"Okay, Octavia, back to work. I'll come help you in a moment".

Octavia turned around.

"Oh, Octavia, could you make two cappuccinos, it looks like Clarke here suffers from a lack of caffeine". 

Octavia grinned "coming right up". 

Raven sat down opposite me "what just happened" she asked me in a hushed tone.

I looked away from her intense gaze, feeling ashamed of myself enough already "I'll go to his house and tell him I'm sorry okay".

"I didn't ask you what you were going to do, but fuck yes, you're definitely going to do that. I asked you why you just went crazy over nothing".

For a moment I said nothing. Hating the fact that I couldn't tell her the truth "I guess it just brought back memories from back then, you know".

Raven looked at me with that look again, that look she always had on her face whenever that topic was mentioned "ah, right, the cabin thing, I almost forgot". 

Her tone was almost condescending, it gave me the chills and as always, it made me wonder what exactly she knew about it.

I said nothing and neither did Raven. Octavia brought us our coffees. 

"So, I think, if Monty still wants to, he can have the job, he's a good kid and a good friend to Jasper. Would you be able to deal with that". 

"Yeah, I guess".

It wasn't him I had a problem with after all. 

"Good, I liked how he filled in for my brother, plus Octavia was happy with him, that's got to mean something. You can go to his house and apologize and offer him a job".

I nodded.

"Good, finish your coffee and let's start helping out Octavia. You can go to his house after work".

"Yes, I will".

I felt like a jackass all day and people stared at me so I just tried to stay out of sight most of the day, making orders, paying bills. Later that day I realized that if I hadn't stayed hidden all day, I probably would have heard who exactly the rumors were about. If I hadn't thought the rumors were all about me, they would have prepared me for a rather confrontational and embarrassing situation.

After closing up the Coffee Salon Octavia and Bellamy took off into the same direction. Raven stood next to me, looking at me like she had something to say. 

"You know where he lives right".

Everyone knew where he lived so I gave her a look that made her laugh. 

"Be nice to him" she said and took off onto Douglas Road. At the same time I started off into another direction, the rich part of town where Monty and his mother had recently come to live. I followed Lower Park Road and took a left onto Liberty drive. Quickly, while trying to hide my face by looking at the ground, I walked past my parent's house, luckily I passed the house without anyone seeing me.  
I made it to my destination without any trouble and took the few steps up onto the porch where I took a deep breath before I knocked on the front door.

Let me tell you that I'd thought up several scenarios about how the talk might go. I'd pictured Monty opening the door and smashing it into my face, or him yelling at me, calling me names and then throwing the door into my face. I'd even pictured his mother doing the same thing. Even Gustus, who would politely ask me to leave because he had known me ever since I was born. 

What actually happened was way more unexpected. The door opened and a very familiar pair of green eyes stared straight into mine. Well, that was a scenario I had not seen coming in a million years. I had thought about it often enough, after she had left. Picturing what it would be like when she came back. Year after year passed by and she had never returned, not even for one day. I had wondered often enough, why she had not yet returned but I had never dared to ask anyone, knowing it would raise questions and those questions would circulate through town and end up with the wrong people who, in turn, would come to me with questions. 

There I stood, looking at someone I hadn't seen in years, not knowing what to say or what to do, how to act. So I just stood there, taking in the once familiar face. She had aged, which was normal I guess, still, it was unexpected. Small lines now formed around shimmering eyes, showing she had been through a lot. Her body had changed too, instead of becoming more feminine over the years, she had stayed slim and lithe but at the same time she was muscular, like she worked out very regularly. She wore her hair longer than before, her brown hair was braided to the side, several strands hung loosely around her face. She had fuller lips than I remembered. Still, she was almost the same person she had been so long ago, or she appeared to be. 

I looked back up into her eyes again and noticed how unreadable the look in her eyes was, like she had put on some kind of mask. There was no hint of recognition in her gaze, nor was there anger, sadness or resentment, it was like she didn't know me at all. Could it be that she didn't recognize me, after all we had been through. I hadn't changed that much, had I? 

It was her who spoke up first "come to apologize have you".

Her voice sounded exactly the way I remembered, soft and gentle, velvety but there was a hard edge to it, a tone that made me shiver. After all this time it still appeared able to reach deep down into my soul and sweep me up into the pitch black sky that was the universe.

Her words confused me, came to apologize for what had happened all that time ago? Was that what she was referring to? She couldn't even say hello before she went straight to what had happened back then. I sighed inwardly. It wasn't like I deserved anything less. Still, I didn't know what to say so I just stared. 

"To my brother" she added then.

Ah. "Yes, your brother, right. Is he home".

I had no idea what I was doing, my voice sounded a little off to me, my nerves were getting the better of me, they made my heart race. My hands were sweaty and I wiped them on my jeans. 

"Follow me".

I did, doing my best not to stare at her perfectly shaped behind. She guided me through the hallway, into the kitchen and through another door that lead to the backyard. For a moment I wondered whether she was really taking me to her brother but once outside, I saw her brother sitting at a wooden picnic table, together with his mother and Gustus. They were having dinner. 

Great timing you got Clarke.

"Clarke, what a surprise" Gustus said.

Didn't he know? Indra definitely knew, I could see it in the look she gave me. It made me wonder whether she knew the truth about what had happened all that time ago. She didn't look happy to see me but that didn't say a whole lot. She could be angry at me only because of what had happened to Monty, correction, because of how I had treated him.

"Hi Gustus, Mrs. Woods".

Monty and Clarke's adoptive mom nodded at me, the look in her eyes able to freeze water, or my blood. She knew, she had to know. Panic threatened to take me over and suddenly sweat was coming out of every pore on my body. My breathing quickened and I had to try really hard to get it back under control. 

"Monty, can we talk for a moment" I asked. 

He sat back in his chair "whatever you want to say to me you can say in front of them".

Well snap! One-zero for Monty.

On a normal day it would have made me laugh but it wasn't a normal day. Lexa was back, I had yelled at a seventeen-year-old boy, I had practically been acting like a crazy person all day, like I had somehow felt that Lexa had come back. Now that was bullshit, my behavior hadn't had anything to do with her return but all with her existence and I knew that.

I had practiced my speech several times over, it had probably been great, but at that moment I couldn't recall one word of it so I just made it up as I went.

"Well".

Lexa still stood beside me, a little to the side, leaning casually against the wall, her expression was still unreadable to me. I noticed how red her lips were, more red than I remembered, like strawberries. Very, very kissable. I mentally slapped myself at that thought. Focus woman. 

"Okay, so, Monty, first of all, I'm really sorry about earlier today. I was ungrateful and I totally misread the situation. I should have listened to you first before drawing conclusions. So I am here partly to apologize. I was a bitch with a capital b and I am really sorry".

Monty smiled and nodded "appreciate it and apology accepted" he said. 

"Okay, good, now, part two of why I'm here. We are looking for someone to work with us and Octavia was very happy with you. Jasper practically begged us to hire you. We are looking for someone reliable and the way you jumped in for Jasper told us a lot about you. So, in short, I am here to offer you a job".

Another smile. He had the same smile as Lexa, which was strange because they were both adopted from different families, still they shared the same smile. His appeared to be used a little more frequent though. 

"How much will you pay" he asked, pulling me out of my memories. 

"Monty" his mother warned. 

I actually laughed then. Yes, he would be a good choice "come by tomorrow, we'll talk about your days and your pay tomorrow".

"What time".

"How about ten, ten-fifteen".

He flashed another smile "done, tomorrow at ten, I'll be there".

He reminded me of her in more than one way. It made me wonder how much they still were alike now. How much would she have changed over the years? 

I looked at Gustus and Indra then "I'm terribly sorry for interrupting your dinner. I'll let you continue now. Come by the Salon this week and you'll get a cup of coffee on the house, all of you".

I purposefully looked at Lexa who merely stared at me with that blank expression.

"Thank you Clarke, that is very nice of you. Lexa, can you show her the way out again" Gustus asked.  
I smiled and gave an awkward wave of goodbye, then turned around to face a very quiet Lexa who had already turned around in order to lead me out of the house. I followed her back through the kitchen, into the hallway and before I knew it, I stood outside on the porch again. It had started drizzling by then. 

I faced Lexa, looking up into her eyes. Hoping she would say something. 

"Good to know you learned to take responsibility".

I opened my mouth in order to speak up, to say something, to apologize. 

"Bye Clarke" she said gently before I could even decide what to say first. She gently closed the door and for a long moment I just stood there, wondering what to do now. Should I knock again and beg for her forgiveness, should I let it go and hope she would leave town before I ever saw her again. Would she even leave town? Was she here to stay? Why was she here in the first place? 

I noticed that I hoped she would stay, I hoped she was here for me. Even though I knew she was not here for me, there was a thin sliver of hope inside me, wanting her to be back in town for me. 

It took a long time for me to leave that porch, it took even longer before actually going back home.


	5. The accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On her way to her wedding, Lexa accidentally hits someone with her car, that someone turns out to be Clarke Griffin who ends up in a coma. Because Clarke has no family to care for her Lexa decides to stay with her in the hospital for as long as Clarke will allow the one who might have completely ruined her life to stay by her bedside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

THE ACCIDENT

The young woman lay sleeping soundlessly. She had to be around her mid-twenties and was a beautiful and peaceful sight, she had long, curly brown hair that covered the white pillowcase like a velvety blanket. Her features seemed perfect, she was obviously a woman every person would look at. 

The woman lay sleeping in bed by herself, the room in which she slept was big but scarcely decorated, there wasn’t much color in the room at all, the walls were white, as were the covers of the bed, even the furniture in the room was white, the only color in the room came from the floor, it was made of dark-brown wood. The sun had already risen and shone through the big windows into the room, the curtains were open wide and the window itself was open. 

The alarm clock next to the bed indicated it was 6.59 in the morning, outside birds were singing happily and it was very peaceful for a long moment. On the other side of the bed, there was a framed picture. In the picture, the sleeping woman was smiling into the camera, next to her stood an attractive woman who appeared to be same age as the woman. Her dark, long hair was shiny and gorgeous and worn down. She definitely was beautiful but not in a good way per se, more in the way where she knew very well how good-looking she was and used to getting lots of attention. The woman had her arm around the woman’s waist, only the brown-haired woman was smiling widely. The setting of the photo made them appear to be a couple.

At 7:01 the alarm sounded, playing ‘So Sorry’ by Feist, the woman woke up and lay on her back for a long moment, closing her eyes and sighing deeply. She didn’t appear to be very happy. Then she threw away the covers and got up, stretching before walking toward the bathroom. She wore a pair of tight, black shorts and a black tank top. She went into the bathroom, which was as beautiful as the rest of the house, big, white and with everything neatly arranged. She started undressing and turned on the shower, getting in once the water was warm, she washed her hair and body, brushed her teeth and turned off the shower again before she started toweling herself dry. She brushed her hair without dry-blowing it, then walked into her walk-in closet and got dressed into a pair of black leggings, a simple white T-shirt and a pair of sneakers.

The woman then descended grand stairs and ended up in the kitchen where she looked at the calendar that hung next to the fridge. Several days were crossed out, the latest day that was crossed out was May seventeenth, the next day was circled with the following words written in the square: WEDDING DAY!! For a long moment she stared at the words, closed her eyes and opened them again. When she saw the words were still on the calendar, she shook her head, not looking happy in the least.

She grabbed a bottle of juice from the fridge and turned around to the kitchen counter where she took her purse, a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses, her mobile phone and her car keys. She checked whether she had everything and got out of the house, walking toward a big white Range Rover that was parked on a big driveway. Before she even got to put to open her car, her phone started ringing, she picked up while fumbling with her car keys. 

“YES I am on my way” the woman said, sounding slightly annoyed.

She listened for a moment “I’m not late, getting in my car right now, I’ll be at your place in fifteen” she then replied, her face turning red in anger.

She hung up the phone and opened her car. Before she got in though she took a deep breath, she loved the smell of rain in the summer, it had been raining cats and dogs all night. When she was finally a bit calmed down she got in and threw her I-phone upon the seat next to her. She took off, driving through busy streets. She drove for a while, past shops, restaurants, hair dressers, typical Los Angeles center streets that she knew from driving through them for hours when she first moved here. As usual, no matter that it was only eight in the morning, the sidewalks were crowded with people. The longer she drove though, the less crowded it became. For a while the woman sat listening to the music that was playing on the radio, though the song itself was unfamiliar to her, she found her thumbs drumming along with the sound of the beat. 

While she waited for the traffic light to turn green, the sun was shining brightly behind her, which was why she took off her sunglasses, she wouldn’t need them here. Once again she stared at the traffic light, it was really difficult to see whether the light was either red or green. Suddenly, next to her the car started away so she figured the sign had changed to green. She put her foot down on the accelerator and sped away a little faster than she had first anticipated. When she was about to pass the next traffic lights she slowed her car down a little but then smiled, the next light never ever turned red when the previous one was green. So she pushed her foot down again and accelerated.

Too late did the woman see the people starting to cross the street, too late did she see the child who was walking about two yards in front of his mother, jumping from stripe to stripe. The mother suddenly saw the speeding car and yelled at her child to stop. Suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the boy by his jacket and threw him back toward his mother. In the meantime the car had hit the brakes but it was obvious the Range Rover was going to hit the woman.  
The white car’s braked and its tires shrieked in their tracks. Then the car hit the woman with an enormous impact, she ended upon the hood of the car, her head hitting the windshield, within a matter of seconds the perfect white was covered with drops and smears of blood. The woman sat staring for a long moment, at the blood on her windshield. 

Not much later she saw the other woman glide off the hood of the car and heard her drop on the ground with a loud whack, at the same time the windshield of the car broke. When that happened, she started passing out. The last thing she saw as everything turned black was the mother of the child hugging her son close. Behind the mother and child an elderly couple look startled, for a long moment everyone just stood staring, then the man made his way toward the woman lying on the ground. He bent down next to her and she heard him call something. Then everything turned black.

***

“Somebody, call 911, she is still alive. Hurry” an elderly man called out. 

The mother got her phone out of her pocket and dialed 911. “There has been an accident on Westwood Boulevard, near the crossing of Weyburn Avenue. Please, we need an ambulance and soon. Yes, somebody is hurt, a woman was hit by a car. There is a lot of blood. She is still alive but unconscious”.

She waited for a moment as she listened to the man who had picked up.

“No, I don’t know whether the driver is hurt, she is still in the car. Should I go check up on the driver” she asked.

She walked over to the car, to the driver’s side, looked inside and saw that the driver had hit her head hard against the steering wheel.

“Yes, it is a woman, mid-twenties, she is unconscious, she is alone as far as I can see. There is blood but not as much as with the other woman, she has a shallow head wound. I’m going to open the car now to check whether she is all right”. 

The woman opened the door and checked the woman’s pulse. “She is alive but still unconscious, looks like she fainted. She has a head wound but it seems superficial, I think she might have a concussion but I can’t be sure. We do need another ambulance I think. No, as far as I can see, no one else is hurt”.

Right then the ambulances arrived at the scene, their sirens blaring. Several paramedics came running out of the ambulance before it had even stopped, two went over to the woman in the car and the other two focused on the woman on the ground. About ten minutes later both women were put onto a stretcher and into the ambulances. Both ambulances rushed toward the nearest hospital. 

***

“Superficial head wound, just clean it, page doctor Kane for the head wound, he can stitch it up, after he’s ready with her, take her up for a MRI scan, she has a concussion but I want to see whether there’s more damage done. She hit her head pretty hard, so just to be sure” the doctor told the nurse as he put away the little flashlight after shining it into her eyes. The nurse nodded and walked away. The doctor then turned to the woman in the bed.

“So, miss Woods, like I said, you have a concussion and Doctor Jaha will be paged because he is the plastic surgeon of this hospital, he will stitch you up perfectly. I hope you have nowhere to go today because I would like to keep you here for observation for a while, at least a couple of hours.  
“Well, it is actually my wedding day and doctor, please just call me Lexa”. 

“Well Lexa, I’m terribly sorry, maybe we can arrange something, we will do the MRI within the hour and I’m sure Doctor Jaha can be persuaded to come right now. Is there anyone you should call. Perhaps your fiancé. She will probably be worried”.

“Yes, thank you Doctor”.

She got out her phone while the nurse came back in again and started cleaning her head wound as the doctor walked away. It was dead quiet for a long moment as Lexa mustered up the courage to ask the one question on her mind.

“Is the woman all right, the woman I hit I mean”.

The nurse looked her in the eyes for a moment, then looked away. “She is in surgery right now, it is probably going to take a while before we know more. You will have to talk to the police later on, they are already here but we told them that we’re busy with you, so if you need to call someone, do it now, doctor Jaha is on his way and when he’s finished stitching you up I will take you up to go for the MRI scan and then you will need to talk to the police. So if I were you, I’d call your fiancée or your parents for support”. 

Lexa watched the nurse walk out of the room and waited for her to be out of the room before she started calling her fiancée. 

“Costia, hi”. 

Lexa got interrupted and stopped talking. 

“Yes I saw that you called me five times”.

She listened for a moment “don’t get angry with me. You don’t even know what is going on”.

Right then she flushed and appeared to be shocked “are you out of your mind, no, I’m not with someone else, here we go with the jealousy again”.

There was yelling on the other side of the line and Lexa kept quiet until her fiancée no longer spoke.  
“Just so you know, I got into an accident”.

Costia said something, stunning Lexa whose cheeks turned red “are you seriously asking me whether the car is all right. Costia, I hit somebody, she might die and all you ask is, is the car all right. You really are a piece of work”.

She listened and shook her head “yes I am all right but I might go to jail, I hit a woman Costia, she might still die”.

Tears formed in her eyes “you don’t get it, if she dies, I will go to jail, I will have killed someone”.

Costia talked for a while, making Lexa sigh as she shook her head in disbelief “no Costia, it is not that easy. I can’t buy myself out of this and I wouldn’t want to. For god’s sake, it is my fault”.

Costia spoke again.  
“I don’t know, I might get taken to the police-station. The doctor said it would probably take a while. I need to go for a MRI scan now and then I will have to stay for a few hours for observation”. 

Again Lexa listened and again got angry “you can only think about yourself can’t you, I’m so sick of this. You know what, the wedding is off, you and I are done. Are you seriously asking me why, first of all because you’re a bitch, second because I was in an accident and because I might have killed someone and the worst thing is, you don’t even seem to care at all”.

Lexa listened again “no, I’d rather you do not come here, I will call the wedding planner, you just concentrate on your photo shoot, which is obviously more important than me lying in the freaking hospital”.

Lexa hung up the phone, her cheeks red with anger. Then she took a deep breath and called someone else "mom, could you please come to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center". 

She listened intently for a moment and started tearing up "I’ve been in an accident, I hit someone with my car".

On the other side of the line her mother spoke, immediately calming her down, asking how she was and how the other person was doing.

"I’m okay, I will survive, only got a minor head wound and a concussion from hitting my head upon the steering wheel. The woman is in surgery now, she was not doing well, she was bleeding a lot".

Lexa nodded when her mother told her she would be there in fifteen minutes.

"Thanks mom".

Lexa hung up the phone and then started calling someone else yet again.

"Hi, Indra, this is Lexa Woods, how are you".

Indra replied, asking her how she was doing.

"Not so great actually, I got into an accident just now and it looks like I’m going to have to spend the rest of the day in the hospital so I’m afraid you’re going to have to cancel the wedding". 

Indra didn't answer and for about twenty seconds Lexa waited for an answer.

"Indra, are you still there".

Indra answered, sounding shocked, then asked whether she was hurt.

"I’m all right, got a head wound and a concussion. But Indra, can I count on you to arrange everything, I’m not going to be able to pick up my phone for the rest of the day".

Indra asked whether Costia knew and for a moment Lexa said nothing "yes, I told her".

Indra asked how she reacted.

"She got angry with me, as if it is all my fault".

Indra sympathized and asked whether the wedding is postponed or canceled. Lexa took a moment to think about that, if she canceled the wedding a lot of people would be angry with her if she just decided to cancel the entire event. A lot of work had been put into it. She wondered who'd get the angriest. Probably her agent. 

"I don’t know, please just call everybody, the caterers, the guest etcetera, when you’re done, call me back, if I don’t pick up, please leave a voicemail". 

Her wedding planner confirmed and said goodbye "thanks Indra".

Lexa hung up the phone and waited for the nurse to return with doctor Jaha. They did only two minutes after she had hung up the phone. The man was around her father's age and appeared to have a smile plastered to his face all the time. He introduced himself as doctor Jaha and he started stitching her up while he small-talked more to himself than to her. It only took a couple of minutes before he left her alone. After that she was taken up to where her MRI scan was taken. When she came down again her parents were waiting for her, together with two cops. 

"Hi mom, hi dad" Lexa said to her parents and hugged both of them. She sat back down in the hospital bed and looked at the officers who nodded at her before introducing themselves.

"Good afternoon, my name is Bellamy Blake and this is my partner John Murphy, we would like to ask you some questions about the accident" he said in a deep voice. 

"You can ask me anything".

"Could you tell us what happened".

"Well, I was driving on Westwood Boulevard, you know how the traffic lights always hit green when you drive there right" she started, looking at the cops, waiting for their acknowledgement. They officers nodded and Lexa continued after that.

'Well, the sun was behind me and it was difficult to see the lights, whether it was green or red. I thought it was green, but apparently the light was red because suddenly there were people crossing, I saw a child crossing the street, he was just enthusiastic, jumping from stripe to stripe. Anyway, I braked but the road was still wet from the rain so the car just wouldn't stop in time. I looked around me, thinking I could avoid hitting the kid but there were people and cars parked everywhere. Then, out of nowhere this woman, the woman I hit, came racing toward the kid, grabbing him by the collar and throwing him back to his mother. I was still breaking then but I was going too fast to stop. I could not stop so I started gliding towards the woman, I really had nowhere to go. It was terrible but if I would have gone to the right I would have hit several more people, left of me there were cars and other people starting to cross. So I just hoped that I would stop in time but I was too late. It all went so fast but there was nothing I could do. I hit her hard and she ended up on the hood of my car. There was blood on my windshield. Do you know if the woman will be okay, there was so much blood. She was really hurt and it's my fault. I feel so bad about it, I didn't mean to. Please tell me she will be all right" Lexa practically begged, tears streaming down her face. Her mother had moved next to her, holding her hand. 

The cop who had introduced himself as John Murphy wrote down a couple of things, nodding here and there while Blake was one was continuing the conversation. 

"The woman is still in surgery, she has several broken bones, glass in her eyes and internal bleeding. The doctors say it’s a miracle she didn’t die. We will have to wait to see if she lives after the surgery. I believe this was all an accident but you better pray that the woman lives because otherwise we will have to take you into custody because then everything might change. We also need to see if you were driving under influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s standard procedure”.

"She has liability insurance so that will not be a problem. It will only become a problem once the woman dies, am I right" her father interfered then, a concerned look on his face.

"It will be a problem if she had alcohol or drugs in her system, more so if she dies".

"I wasn’t drunk or under influence of drugs, I’ve not drunk any alcohol in months and I have never used drugs in my entire life. I understand everything that is about to happen to me and if she dies, I deserve it but believe me when I say that all I want is for the woman to live, otherwise I don’t know how I will have to live with myself".

***

The rest of the day went by in a blur. The doctors came back, telling her that she only had a concussion and if she really wouldn't go through with the wedding she would need to stay overnight. Just to be safe. She was after all an important patient for them. Her parents went home after visiting hours and promised to be back to take her home the next day. She didn't hear from Costia again, she was probably still angry and she understood her anger. They had been planning this wedding for the past six months. Well, that wasn't exactly true, their wedding planner had been planning this wedding for the past half year. Costia didn't want anything to do with the planning, she thought her career was more important than picking out flowers or tableware, that was not supposed to be the job of an accomplished actress. So it had all fallen on Lexa and Indra. 

Lexa had often wondered why she was the only one putting energy into their wedding-day. It wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Couples were at least supposed to brainstorm together, make decisions together. Lexa had been feeling like that for a couple of months, like she was the only one actively putting effort into their relationship and she didn't like it, at all. She knew very well that she should have spoken up but she hadn't known how to tell Costia about what troubled her, she was afraid of how she might react, she was afraid of her temper. Which was partly why she didn't want to go home, just in case she showed up, she'd at least be in a public place where she couldn't make a scene. So far, she hadn't shown her face. 

It was the middle of the night and she found herself having trouble sleeping, she'd been staring at the ceiling for hours, wondering why she couldn't sleep after everything that had happened. The answer wasn't difficult though, she was feeling guilty because she had hit a woman with her car, and that woman might very well not survive. Well that, and she had to pee. She sighed and got out of bed. She walked over to the bathroom and stopped. It was the middle of the night, there wouldn't be a lot of people walking around the hospital, it would be the perfect for a trip to the recovery. During the day she hadn't been allowed to go and see the woman she had hit that very day. 

She made her way to the recovery rooms without being seen, only the nurse's station was manned. One nurse sat reading something, Lexa couldn't see what she was reading. For a couple of minutes the nurse stayed where she was, then, she got up with a coffee mug in her hands. To Lexa's relief the nurse went the opposite way of where she was hiding. When she was out of sight, Lexa tiptoed toward the nurse's station where she looked for a list or something with the patient names on it. She couldn't just check every chart in every room, hoping to find her, especially with the nurse coming back soon. Finally she found a list with names on it. It took her a while to find the name of the woman she was looking for but after a minute or so she did. She had overheard the policemen call her Clarke Griffin and since that was a rare enough name so she recognized it immediately. Room 418. Lexa quickly went over to room 418 and just before she entered the room she looked to her right and found the nurse coming around the corner. She practically dove into the room and hoped that the nurse hadn't seen her. When the nurse passed her room Lexa quietly let her breath escape and turned around to face the bed. 

What she saw shocked her, a woman was lying in the bed, a heart-rate monitor was beeping sporadically, the machine itself stood next to the bed showing her heart-rate, also, she had a medicine slash feeding tube. most of her body was covered by the blanket but the rest of her body that wasn't covered by a blanket, was covered in bandages, she reminded Lexa of a mummy but scolded herself for even thinking that. She stared, both her arms and even her eyes were bandaged, she couldn’t see much of her face. Then Lexa remembered, glass had ended up in her eyes, the doctor had told her that there was a fifty-fifty percent change that she might end up being blind for the rest of her life. 

Guilt started flooding back into her body and she sunk down into a chair that stood next to the bed. She had done this, she could have ruined this woman’s entire life, what if she was a pilot or in the army, or a waitress for that matter, you needed your eyes for practically every job. What if she could never go back to work. No way the woman would ever forgive her for that. Was that what she was doing there, trying to get forgiveness. She snickered, that was ridiculous. The woman was in an artificial coma, she wouldn’t be forgiving her in a while, if ever. The doctors wanted to keep her in her come for a few days, to make sure the woman’s brain swelling came down. They had no way of knowing if the woman would wake and if she did, if the woman would be the same person as before, there might be brain damage or physical damage. She might even be disabled for the rest of her life. The thought gave her goose bumps. She shouldn’t be thinking so negatively, there was a chance that she would wake up just fine. 

She sighed and looked at the woman, even though the room was dark, there was light coming in from the hallway, making sure she could see the woman’s outlines a little. She wondered how old she was. Lexa thought back to the accident, she had seen her, had looked at her but somehow she didn’t remember much, she had been wearing something that had hidden most of her face. A cap, a beanie? She couldn’t remember. Now she saw that the girl or woman had light hair that was braided to the side. Lexa wondered who had done that, perhaps one of the nurses. Lexa looked at her mouth, a split lower lip and a thin upper lip, a normal-sized nose, there wasn’t a whole lot she could say about her face, but then, there wasn’t a whole lot she could see either. 

“I am very sorry Clarke Griffin, I never meant to hit you, if I could take it back, turn back the clock, I would” Lexa whispered even though she knew the woman wouldn’t hear her. 

“I’m also sorry no one has been here to visit you, I overheard some of the nurses talking when I pretended to be asleep, your emergency contact number was disconnected. I am not sure who your emergency contact number is but I guess something happened between the two of you, perhaps you’re not in touch anymore, if so, I hope it wasn’t your parent’s number. Perhaps you’re older than I thought and is it an ex-husband or and ex-boyfriend” Lexa continued softly.

She bit her lip and leaned forward “if no one shows up, I will gladly come and visit you, you know, to talk to you and stuff, people in movies always say it helps when people talk to coma patients”. 

Suddenly, sadness came over her, what if no one would show up, what if she didn’t really have friends. Lexa shook her head, not even wanting to contemplate that thought. She'd wake up and have loads of family members and friends coming over to visit her and she would be all right and they would both live their lives happily ever after.

***

"Miss Woods" someone said, waking Lexa gently with a tap on her shoulder. 

Lexa woke slowly, feeling rather groggy, she sat up and looked at the nurse who looked somewhere between worried and angry. Then Lexa looked to her right, Clarke. It appeared she had fallen asleep in her chair, her head on the bed, she sighed, she hadn't wanted to fall asleep here. 

"Good morning" the nurse said. 

"Good morning" Lexa said, she had a bad taste in her mouth and longed for a toothbrush. 

"You know you're not supposed to be in here". 

Lexa suddenly felt a little guilty, here she was, trying to ease her own guilt while the woman she had hit was in a comatose state, lying next to her. She felt her cheeks redden before she spoke "Yes, I'm aware of that, I'm sorry, I just wanted to see her, talk to her".

"She's not going to talk back just yet" the nurse offered with a small smile. 

"Yes, but I thought this might have been my only option to apologize without her screaming at me".

"You don't know that, perhaps she is a very reasonable person".

Lexa frowned. Yes, because most people were so very reasonable these days. 

"You never know miss Woods, now, I need to take a look at our patient here so if you could go back to your room, I believe you will be released this morning, perhaps you should call someone to come pick you up" the nurse said. 

She made her way back to her room without being recognized and it took only about fifteen minutes before a nurse came into her room to check upon her. The nurse told her a doctor would be in with her soon and if he cleared her she would be released that very morning. Lexa smiled at that news but didn't mean it, somehow she didn't feel like going back home, back to her life while she waited for news about Clarke Griffin. Somehow it didn't feel fair to Clarke, she was the victim after all and she didn't have anyone. Perhaps she should wait until someone showed up. Yes, that sounded reasonable, sooner or later someone would come and probably send her away but at least she would have been there for her. 

In the meantime she would think, about her life, about Costia, about their relationship. They were supposed to be on their honeymoon right now, she hadn't even called or come by. Lexa wasn't sure whether she was supposed to be angry or not, she had cancelled the wedding after all. She reached for her bag and got her phone out. Seventy-eight missed calls, several texts, voicemail messages, WhatsApp messages and a low battery, only seven percent left. She reached for her bag again and checked it for a charger, she didn't have one. Perhaps she could ask her parents to get her one, along with some clothing, she had no idea how long she would be staying at the hospital but it could be a couple of days. 

Would they understand? No, probably not, she should call someone who wouldn't ask too many questions and who would do as she asked. Octavia, no, she would be worse than her parents. Harper, her agent, no she would make it all about her career, still, she was officially on a holiday for the next month so she couldn't make her do anything until June the twentieth when she would be starting a new movie, she wasn't even sure which one, she'd prepare during the last few days of her holiday. 

Perhaps she'd go on that hike she'd been wanting to take for years but hadn't had the time for. Or she'd go to New-York and visit Finn and Raven. She smiled at that thought, yes, that would be nice, it had been ages since they had last seen each other. Lexa had met Raven at Tisch school of the Arts in New York, where they had studied acting together, they had been friends and roommates from day one. Both had busy schedules and that made it difficult to see each other. Then a thought struck her, they were here, they were in LA for her wedding. Also, Raven had a key to her house and she wouldn't ask any questions. Yes, she would call her. 

It took only seconds before Raven answered the phone "Lex, thank god, I've been calling you like crazy, how are you, you cancelled the wedding, holy shit, I heard something about an accident, are you all right". 

"Raven, I don't have that long, could you please go to my house and get me some sets of clothes, a pair of shoes and my charger. I can't really think of anything else at the moment so if you think of anything, please bring it along".

"Please tell me you're okay and in what hospital are you anyway". 

"I'm okay, I just need to stay a couple of days, I'm at the UCLA Medical Center, I'll tell you everything when you're here" Lexa said and hung up the phone. 

Then she called her parents. 

"Lexa, how are you" her mother answered. 

"Hey mom, I'm okay, mom...".

"How did you sleep" her mother interrupted her. 

"Mom, I can't talk for very long, my battery is almost dead. Raven and Finn are on their way to the hospital, they're going to bring me some clothes and stuff".

"Why, do you have to stay longer, is something wrong" her mother asked, suddenly sounding worried. 

"No, mom, I'm fine, I just feel like I'm supposed to stay with Clarke for a while, until her family arrives you know".

"Clarke, who is Clarke" her mother asked, going from worried to confused.

"The woman I hit mom".

"But honey, that's not your concern".

"I know but I want to".

"Lexa honey". 

"Mom, I won't change my mind, I will stay here for as long as it takes. I have to go now, my battery is almost gone. I love you and dad. Bye" Lexa said and hung up the phone. 

The moment she hung up the phone she started to tear up. She wasn't even exactly sure why she was crying but she cried nonetheless, hoping no one would come in. 

***

"You know, I found a book in your bag, Alice in Wonderland but you probably knew that already, it's your bag after all. So, I was thinking, perhaps you would like me to read a bit for you. I think it might be one of your favorite books because your name is written in it and it looks really worn and old" Lexa said with a smile, then added "maybe it belonged to someone in your family" at those words her smile faltered.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't mention your family, I've tried to find a number but it appears they don't want to be found. Let's not talk about your parents".

She opened the leather-bound cover and leafed through the pages, she found several words and sentences underlined, on some pages comments had been written. She closed the book again and traced the outline of the golden letters that formed the title of the book. 

"You know, I have never actually read this book, I've seen the movie though, the Disney version. I know that's nothing like reading the book but it's something right. Yes, I know that was a ridiculous thing to say but I've never really been the reading type". 

Lexa opened the book again and went to the first page of the first chapter. Through the Rabbit Hole it read. She started reading. 

It had been five days since the accident and Clarke was still in a coma. The doctors had told Lexa that she might wake up any moment now and that there was a good chance that she would be all right, her broken bones were healing, she was recovering well from surgery, the only thing they didn't know yet and wouldn't know for another while was whether she would ever be able to see again. Whenever Lexa thought of that she shivered, she still hadn't figured out what kind of work Clarke did but she couldn't shake the feeling that she practiced a profession for which she needed her eyes. She had thought about it, wondering what kind of work she could be doing but hadn't been able to figure it out. She hadn't been able to find out much about Clarke at all, she knew she had a fondness for Alice in Wonderland because of the copy in her bag, she also had found her wallet but it had contained little information about the owner. There had been a notebook with a fancy leather cover in the bag but it had been empty. The only other thing that had been in the bag was a pack of vanilla-flavored chewing gum. So that wasn't much information. 

Lexa hospital had found out Clarke was no longer in touch with her biological parents. Two days before one of the nurses had told her that the emergency contact number registered with Clarke's insurance policy, her parent's number, had long ago been disconnected, which also could mean they were no longer alive. The nurses had tried to find a new number but had failed, her parents were untraceable. Since Clarke herself had not awoken from her coma and her phone had literally died during the accident, there was nothing they could do but wait and hope Clarke would wake up and tell them the things they needed to know.

***

"Miss Woods" someone said behind her. 

Lexa looked aside and smiled at the nurse that stood in the doorway. Closing the book while keeping her finger between the book so she would know where to continue once the nurse had left.

"Yes".

"Visiting hours have been over for half an hour, we need to clean her up now".

"Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry, I lose track of time when I read to her, can I just finish the chapter" Lexa asked.

"Of course, I'll give you a couple of minutes, I still need to get some things, I'll be back in like five minutes" the nurse said, signaling that she didn't have too long to finish the chapter.

Lexa smiled at the nurse and nodded in appreciation. Then turned toward Clarke again. She opened her book again.

"I'm sorry, I have to get going, visiting hours are over but I'll finish the chapter for you". 

***

"Honey, I know you want to be there for her but there is nothing you can do now" Octavia said. 

"I just want her to know I’m sorry" Lexa murmured.

"You can tell her that next week as well, when she's awake, you don’t know if she even wants to see you". 

"I’ve thought about that too but I’ve got to try, I need to tell her I’m sorry and .. and .. I don’t know, I have no idea what I am doing here. I just feel terrible about everything. I feel like I owe her to stay here and wait for her to wake up" Lexa said, looking at her hands that were folded in her lap.

"I know and you can tell her eventually, just not the moment she wakes up. She is going to find out that you are the reason she is in the hospital, that you are the reason she's broken so many bones and that she's going to be in the hospital and then revalidating for months because of you, that is a lot to take in. Just go home, take a shower, take a nap and come back tomorrow morning. There are some things you need to take care of yourself, such as Costia, she’s in a panic and has no idea where you are and your phone is off so she can’t call you. Whether you like it or not, you have to talk to her" Octavia explained in a soft, gentle voice.

Lexa sighed "I know, it’s not fair what I’m doing, it’s selfish of me for wanting, no needing to apologize so I can let it go. And I know it looks like I’m hiding out, maybe I am, I don’t know. Everything is just so messed up, I messed up everything".

Octavia smiled slightly and put an arm around her best friend's shoulder.

"It’s going to be all right, it’s not your fault, Costia will forgive you and you will get married another day".

"I’m not sure whether I want to marry her".

"Why wouldn’t you want to marry her anymore Lex, did something happen".

Lexa sighed and tried to fight back tears "I .. I .. After the accident I called Costia and told her about the accident, the first thing she asked was, is the car all right".

"Are you serious" she asked.

"Yes, that is why I proponed or rather called off the wedding, in combination with the fact that I had to stay here at the hospital of course but I hadn’t told her that. I’ve been thinking about it, about my relationship with Costia. We see each other very little and if I’m going to marry her that will not change, we already live together, I see her perhaps a week out of the month. She’s always away, doing photo-shoots, doing interviews, filming. It’s not what I want from a relationship" Lexa said, feeling a little bit relieved for finally being able to get her worries off her chest.

"I understand, she is away a lot, but so are you. Let me ask you something. Why are you with her, what was your reason for starting a relationship" Octavia asked.

"Because she was away a lot and that gave me enough time for myself".

"I know you want and need space and freedom. I've been wondering about your reasons for being with her, were you ever really in love with her" Octavia asked, secretly knowing the answer. 

Lexa bit her lower lip in thought, not really knowing how to answer. She didn't even know what it felt like to be in love, to actually love someone with all of her heart and soul. She had never felt like that in her life. But then, why would she be so stupid to marry Costia. 

"When did you know you were in love with Lincoln, how did it make you feel" she asked, curious about the answer. 

Octavia smiled while she answered "He makes me feel alive, I want to be with him all the time, listen to his voice, look at him, touch him, drown in him, life is worthwhile when I’m with him".

"That sounds amazing, I don’t feel that way about Costia, I never have" Lexa said, smiling sadly, she was happy that her best friend had found a love like that but couldn’t help but feel sad about not having it herself. 

"I know and honestly, I had hoped you would find that out before your wedding day but hey, nothing you can do about it now. You made the right choice but still, you need to talk to Costia though".

"I know, I know. I guess I will call her when I get home. Can you take me, I’ve been afraid to drive". 

"Then how did you get back here".

"I never left". 

Octavia stared "You've been here for more than a week without going home". 

"Yes". 

"No wonder your parents are worried about you".

"Yeah, I know, they have told me, they think it’s not normal that I spend so much time here waiting for someone I don’t know to wake up".

Octavia laughed aloud "that’s because it isn’t, normal I mean".

That put a smile on Lexa’s face "you are right, I guess I will ask one of the nurses to give me a call when she wakes up". 

"Good girl. Come on, let’s get you home, you're starting to smell bad".

Suddenly several nurses came running toward them, both Lexa and Octavia dove out of the way, unsure of what to make of the situation. Lexa ended up with her back against the wall, she found herself having trouble breathing. What if after all this her heart stopped beating, it would mean she killed her after all. She started panicking, her heartbeat started racing, she started sweating and she didn't hear anything for a moment, saw nothing. No, this couldn't be happening, she couldn't die. Suddenly Octavia was by her side, putting a hand upon her shoulder in comfort.

"What is happening" she asked.

"Having a panic attack" Lexa murmured, finally feeling like she was back on earth. 

“What can I do”.

“Nothing really, I just need to get through it” Lexa said and she let herself slide down the wall and onto the floor. Octavia crouched down next to her. 

“Can I get you something, water perhaps” she asked.

“No, I’m all right, wait, on the other hand, I would love some water” Lexa lied, all she wanted was to be alone for a moment. She watched her best friend nod and walk off. Only when Octavia was out of sight, did she let the tears flow freely, she was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened during the past days. How had this happened, well, she knew how it had happened, she had made one mistake, one stupid mistake and her entire life was upside-down. If the woman died, her career would be down the drain, her life would be ruined, she might go to jail, only because she missed one red light. 

"Miss Woods" someone suddenly said behind her. 

Lexa looked up and found herself looking into a familiar face. What was her name again?

"Yes" she replied.

"She is awake".

"Who Clarke" Lexa asked.

"Yes".

Lexa stared, unsure whether she had really just heard what she thought she had. 

"Clarke is awake and she is all right".

"Well, she is alive, the doctor is with her right now so we will know more later".

"Can I visit her now she's awake" Lexa asked. 

"There hasn't been any family to come visit her but I will ask her and if she says yes then you can see her. But first, I think it would be a good idea for you to go home and take a shower, have a proper meal because you look way too skinny and maybe sleep in a normal bed for a night. You look exhausted and you smell terrible" the nurse said. 

Lexa looked at herself, she'd been wearing the same set of clothes for the past week and she hadn't been allowed to use the hospital showers since she was no longer a patient in the hospital. Perhaps it was time to go home and take a nice, long bath before going to bed. She hadn't slept in a bed for the past week, all she had slept in were hospital chairs. Even though she hadn't officially been allowed to stay in the hospital overnight the staff had looked the other way. 

"Yes, that is probably a good idea, I will wait here until the doctor can tell me how she is, then I will go home. I will be back tomorrow morning" Lexa said. 

 

"You will come whenever you are ready" the nurse said with a stern face that made Lexa smile. 

Right then Octavia came back. 

"Is everything all right" she asked. 

"Yes, Clarke is awake". 

"Oh my, that is great news, is she all right" Octavia asked the nurse. 

"The doctor is in with her right now, he will tell us more in a few minutes. I told miss Woods here to go home, get a shower and a proper meal and sleep in her own bed instead of a hospital chair. She can come back tomorrow". 

Octavia nodded "I agree, I was about to take her home anyway". 

"The doctor should be right out, I'll ask him to come over and talk to you" the nurse said.

"Thank you" both Octavia and Lexa said.

Just when the nurse started away, the doctor came out of the room and Lexa and Octavia watched as they spoke for a moment. Then the doctor turned their way. Lexa noticed how young he was, he was probably only about two years her senior.

"Ladies, how about we move a little bit that way, our patient doesn't need to hear everything we discuss".

Together they walked a ways down the corridor. Lexa felt like she had swallowed a brick. She couldn't read the doctor's face and was worried about what he might tell them. 

"So, she is awake and in good condition as far as we know, she was a bit groggy and disoriented but that is normal after having been asleep for so long. We will be doing some tests today to see how everything looks from the inside" the doctor said. 

Lexa sighed in relief "and will she be able to see again".

"That we will know in a couple of days".

"Oh".

"Please, go home, get some rest, you look terrible and you smell even worse" the doctor said with a smile and a wink. She wondered whether the nurse from before had talked to him. 

"Yes, yes" Lexa murmured, wondering whether it really was that bad.   
*** 

Clarke couldn't sleep, she'd been already sleeping for far too long. A whole week, she still couldn't wrap her thoughts around it. She snickered and regretted it immediately, it hurt. She sighed and moved to lie on her side but quickly found she wasn't comfortable. She sighed again and moved back to her former position, on her back. She wondered what time it was and for how long she'd been awake. For a moment she considered pushing the alarm button again but then decided against it, she shouldn't bother the staff so much, especially not if only asking for the time. 

She tried to open her eyes but couldn't, her eyelids were stuck together, like they were glued together. The doctor had explained they weren't, there was just a sticky paste on them to make them heal faster, there had been done a lot of damage during the accident, when she had hit the windshield of the car with her head, a lot of glass splinters had gotten into her eyes and though they had been taken out, it would be a while before she would know whether her eye sight was damaged or not. 

Suddenly she heard footsteps and she noticed her heart started to race, it could be a doctor, or perhaps it was another patient. The footsteps came closer and stopped by the door, or so she thought. For a long moment Clarke didn't hear anything and wondered whether the person had walked by and perhaps she hadn't heard it right. But then, just when she relaxed, the footsteps came closer, up to the bed. Clarke felt her heart beating hard inside her chest, her blood was racing through her veins as she waited. The person appeared to sit down in the chair next to the bed. Clarke's heart kept on racing and she wondered whether she should say something. Before she could, she heard the person clear her throat before speaking.

“So, hi Clarke, I heard you woke up today, which is good news, you are asleep now though and I hope I won’t wake you when I tell you this. Call it a practice round before I have to tell you for real tomorrow. So, here it goes, I am sorry, I am so incredibly sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel about what I have done and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you’ll allow me. Even if you don’t want me to, I will do my best to make you give me a chance. I screwed up and I deserve to be punished for it for the rest of my life. Anyway, I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. So, that practice round sucked, hopefully I will come up with something better tomorrow, I am nor really good with words. I am pretty good at reading to you though so why don’t we continue with the next chapter of Alice in Wonderland, where were we”.

Clarke knew she should say something, tell her to get out, yell at her that she screwed up her life and that she hated her. She didn't though, she calmed herself down and listened to her velvety voice reading Alice in Wonderland. She knew she was supposed to be angry with the person sitting next to her, but right then, lying all alone in that hospital, she was thankful for the company.


	6. She's with my friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes for dinner with her best friends and gets introduced to her best friend's new neighbor Lexa, they have serious sparks but there's one problem, she's dating one of her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy (or even hate), please let me know by leaving a comment, if you like, enjoy or love, you can follow me on twitter @CaelumBlack for updates, quotes and info. I also have tumblr, caelumblack.tumblr.com , you can follow my blog there, I will be updating regularly with stories and prompts and everything I like.

My morning ritual on non-teaching-days were pretty much the same every day, I woke up at seven, got out of bed, took a shower, put on a pair of jeans along with a sweater and sneakers. After dressing I brushed my teeth, tried to get my hair in control, went downstairs, had breakfast and a one hour walk in the forest with my dog, sometimes we even went jogging together. That didn’t happen too often though, I was kind of a lazy person. 

After my walk with my dog Bellamy, I switched into an older set of clothes and started painting, this usually lasted until my dog came tugging at my pants because he wanted to go out again. For some reason he always knew when the clocked turned to one o’clock and I was happy about it for when I started painting I always lost track of time. He was my internal clock so to speak. 

After another one hour walk we reached the lake and spend some time there, I swam, this didn’t happen too often but it had been an unusually warm autumn afternoon and I did enjoy swimming in the lake so I had grabbed the opportunity. We came back home at three-thirty and I painted another three hours before I quickly went into town to get some supplies, there I ran into my best friend who, as always, was angry with me for not calling her back. Honestly, I hadn’t touched my phone in days, didn’t even know where it was so I figured I should try and find it after I came home. We agreed on having dinner with a few friends the next day and maybe drinks after, that always depended on how much wine we drank during dinner. Sometimes, it got out of hand. 

After cooking and eating by myself I walked Bellamy again and then settled on the couch in front of the fireplace with a new book while the latest Agnes Obel record played in the background. Bellamy had settled down upon my lap and lay sleeping. 

I lived a remote life and loved living like this, I had tried a couple relationships but all of them had failed, mostly because I didn’t care enough about any of the people I had been with, I had always thought my work as an artist was more important than my relationship. Not exactly surprising all of them left, I had never cared enough to give them another thought, let alone a phone call. 

This led to me being single for the past four years and at the age of twenty-six that apparently was unusual, I should be out, dating, meeting people, but I wasn’t, I didn’t want to. Other things were far more important, such as painting, something that actually made sure I had money to spend and besides that, it made me happy, not insecure, or vulnerable or in pain. I hated being in love, I hated all that it represented, all the emotions it made you feel, it was exhausting, a curse rather than salvation. No, love so far hadn't made me a happier person in any way, I was a better human being when it was just me, Clarke the painter. 

Naturally my best friends had tried to set me up once or twice, most of my friends had tried but all had failed, I had never been happy about being set up, I had never actually met anyone on a blind date I actually liked and believe me, they have tried every possible person, men, women, young, old, shy, outgoing, crazy, boring, painters, non-painters, intelligent and yes, rather stupid as well. There was just always something about meeting new people that I didn’t like, or I should say, it didn’t feel right for some reason. It felt wrong somehow but I had never really figured out why it would feel that way to me. Ignoring it worked better for me and I went on with my life, painting, teaching, taking a lot of long walks with my dog, I went on regular fieldtrips, trying to find inspiration in anything I saw and I was doing very well on the being-an-artist aspect of my life. 

When I wasn't painting or working, I spent time with the few good friends I had, we had grown up together in this small town in Maine where we all still lived or had come back to. I had never left, I had gone to the nearest community college and had studied art and photography from my seventeenth until my twenty-first. My teachers there had suggested me to go to another college after this, that I had the potential to become very big if I wanted to. I didn’t. All I wanted was to paint, to teach for a few days, live a simple life, enjoy the little things in life such as hiking through the forests and mountains that surrounded my house, nature made me happy. I was not a person with some sort of big destiny. I was the kind of person that was content with living the life I lived. It was enough for me. Perhaps it was true that some people were just meant to be alone for the rest of their life, perhaps one of those people was me. But still, on some lonely nights, there was an unfamiliar longing inside of me, a want that I could not identify, some sort of void that had yet to be filled. What I could not understand was how on earth I would be able to fill it. 

The next day I had about the same ritual as the day before, the only difference was that I went to town after lunch and got two bottles of the best red wine the small grocery store had and of course desert. Both Raven, my best friend, and I loved deserts and had made it a habit to make or bring a new desert every time we met, whether that was alone or with friends. I had found several recipes I wanted to try out with my best friend ages ago and we were trying them out one by one. 

After I went came back from the store I got Bellamy into my car along with the groceries and drove over to Raven’s place. It wasn’t a long drive, only took me about ten minutes before I reached her small but cozy house. She was a teacher, just like me, at the nearest college, she taught some of the most talented students how to sculpture, she was an artist, just like me, which is probably why we ended up as friends in the first place, unfortunately, sculpturing didn’t pay all of her bills, even though she was truly talented, so she had taken an extra job as a teacher at one of the few schools in the country which concentrated on arts. We both used to go to this college, after we had finished, I had started working on my paintings and found that there were more than enough buyers for them, so I had decided to take a job for fun only, I didn’t really need to work as a teacher, I just liked the thought of educating young people. 

I parked my car in front of her house and opened the door for Bellamy to hop out and followed after him towards Raven’s house, I was looking forward to this evening. It had been a while since we'd hung out. I walked up to her front door and knocked, waiting patiently for my friend to come to the door rather than burst in without knocking, which is what most people here did. People always did it at my place, giving me heart attacks at least once a week but that was because I never heard anyone knocking, or ringing the bell for that matter. While painting I always listened to music and I played it so loudly that I never heard anything but the music, for some reason I needed it to fill my heart with inspiration. Without music I could not work, at all. 

When Raven opened her front door she smiled “Good to see you darling, come on in” she said and gave me a hug before I walked inside after her. 

Bellamy ran straight into the room and I could hear my friends welcome him, he snorted happily. 

Raven and I went straight into the kitchen, where we opened one bottle of red wine. 

“Rest here yet” I asked.

“Yes, of course, you’re always the late one” she said.

“Right, cheers” I said and we lifted our glasses. 

“You got any music on you” Raven asked.

“Sure, what are you in the mood for” I asked.

“How about some Canto Ostinato”.

“Sounds good to me” I said I put my I-pod into her dock in-station. Not long after that the beautiful sounds of four pianos filled both the kitchen and the living slash dining room and we stood for a while, enjoying the music. 

“It’s truly beautiful isn’t it” Raven said and I nodded. Canto Ostinato was the music that inspired me to paint most of the time. 

“Hey, by the way, I’ve invited my new neighbor”.

“A new person, really, in our perfect little group, you sure” I asked.

“Oh, don’t be like that, she’s really nice. You haven’t seen her around yet” Raven asked. 

I shook my head. 

“Shouldn’t be too surprised I guess, you’re never in town”.

“I do groceries” I defended myself.

“Yes, when no one’s in town”.

“True” I laughed. 

“All right, let’s go see the others, it’s just Octavia, Harper, Indra, Lexa, who is the new neighbor and us two” Raven said. 

“Sure” I said and followed her into the living room where the others were already seated, talking to each other. The first one to come up to me was Harper, she hugged me.

“Good to see you babe, you been busy again” she asked.

“Yes, I’m always busy, I’m sorry” I said with an apologetic smile.

“You should make more time for us, we’re your oldest friends” Indra, Harper's partner said.

“Yes, you are, I’m very well aware of that, said I’m sorry” I muttered. 

“Always so easy to tease, how’s it going darling” Indra said and gave me a hug.

“I’m fine, as always” I said.

“You know that Clarke is the most successful of us all right, so in a way she should be spending most of her time painting, but then again, our dinner parties are never the same without you” Octavia said with a grin upon her face. Then she stood up, gave me a smile and a quick hug before introducing Lexa, the woman sitting next to her. 

My smile faltered, as did hers when our eyes meet. She seemed familiar but I was fairly sure that I’ve never seen this woman before in my life. She was beautiful though, with long, dark-brown hair that reached her lower back, it wasn't exactly curly, but not straight either, wavy would probably be the best way to describe it. Her skin was tan and perfect, there were a couple of freckles covering the bridge of her nose, her nose was small but perfectly sculptured, her eyes big and a bright green. She wore little make up, only a bit of mascara and eyeliner. Her mouth was just as perfect as her nose, full, red lips, looking and attractive very kissable. 

Her body was equally beautiful as far as I could see, long legs, slim but lithe body, still curvy though, feminine. She wore a pair of dark-blue skinny-jeans that seemed to fit her like a glove, she had also put on a simple black V-necked T-shirt and a black leather jacket. She wore a pair of black Doctor Martens. She was perfect, or seemingly perfect to the eyes. 

As my eyes took her in, her eyes took me in and for once in my life I wished I’d dressed up just the tiniest bit. I was wearing a pair of faded black skinny jeans along with black sweater and a pair of Timberlands. That wasn’t a bad outfit or anything, but I was covered with drops of paint everywhere, just like my hands. Black, blue, red, white, yellow, purple. It was all there. Of course, that was how my friends usually saw me, but not this woman, for some reason, she was not supposed to see me like this. 

I opened my mouth to say something but seemed to be lost for words. As was she apparently as she stared into my eyes, she was about my height. 

Someone behind me fake-coughed and that was exactly what I needed to gather my senses.

“Hello” I said and extended my hand towards the woman. She took it into hers, to my surprise, I could feel her pulse race. If I could feel hers, she would probably feel mine as well, mine was not only racing but skipping beats here and there as well. 

"Hello".

"Hi, I’m Clarke” I said.

“Lexa” she said calmly. 

“Nice to meet you”. 

I was very aware of everyone staring at us and suddenly so was she. 

“Nice to meet you too” she said and sat back down. 

To my surprise she had an Australian accent. It sounded beautiful, like angels were singing a ballad and it was coming from her mouth. 

“Anyone else something to drink” Raven asked then. 

“Yes” everyone said. 

“Clarke, help me please” she asked.

I followed her into the kitchen. 

“What the hell was that all about” she asked as she started opening another bottle of wine.

“I don’t know”.

She gave me a look.

“I don’t know Raven, I’m serious, I’ve no idea what happened but my heart started racing and I’m all hot now and I look like a homeless person”. 

"She's dating Octavia".

"What, no, seriously, she can't be dating Octavia, they are all wrong for each other".

"Clarke, no, you can’t do this to Octavia, not again”. 

“Like I did it on purpose, I’ve never done anything with any of her exes, they always came to me for some reason. And by the way, why would I want to do anything with this person, I don’t even know her”. 

Raven gave me another one of her looks.

“I swear, I’ve never seen this woman in my life”. 

“All right” Raven said unconvincingly. 

“I swear it on Bert and Ernie” I said solemnly. 

Raven tried to look serious but then she started grinning, swearing on the pair of puppets was something we had come up with ever since we were three years old, she and I had been in love with the puppets and whenever we swore on them we knew we meant it.

“Fine, fair enough, but seriously, you can’t do anything with her, you promise” Raven asked.

“Like I said, I don’t even know her”.

“Promise me”.

“I promise”. 

“All right, good, now help me with this wine and then you’re going to help me cook, you have to stay away from Lexa”.

“Why, I promised didn’t I”.

“You did, but she gave you the exact same look”.

So I spent most of the rest of the evening in the kitchen, staying away from Lexa. Every time I sat down in the living room Raven had some sort of excuse to get me out of the living room, it was actually kind of annoying, I just wanted to sit and enjoy dinner and my friends but Raven obviously had other plans. Though I knew she was only protecting me I found myself feeling annoyed. I was seated on one side of the table and Lexa sits on the opposite side, furthest away from me, nothing was going to happen, we couldn't even talk to each other without everyone hearing us. That didn't prevent Lexa from staring at me though. I tried my best not to look back but I had to admit it was hard not to look, she was probably the most beautiful and intriguing woman I had ever seen in my life. By the angry looks that were very often shot at me I knew that I looked at Lexa too much so after dinner I needed a moment for myself. After cleaning up the table I excused myself to go for a smoke.

“Guys, I’m going for a smoke, afterwards I’ll start on my desert”. 

The others started howling, they loved my deserts. 

“Ah, I’ll join you” Lexa said with an apologetic smile. 

“You smoke” Octavia asked, seemingly surprised.

“Haven’t been able to quit I’m afraid. See you in a bit, don’t have too much fun while we’re away” she said with a grin. 

In the meantime I had already pulled on my leather jacket and I opened the front door for Lexa when she arrived in the hallway. 

“After you” I said.

“Why thank you” Lexa said and walked through the front door. Together we sat down on the small couch, it was the only couch there is, otherwise I would have sat down somewhere else. 

“Can I borrow a cigarette from you please” Lexa asked, which I found strange, every smoker had cigarettes on the, even when they went to some dinner party. I offered her one, she took it but didn't light it when I offered her my lighter.

“You don’t even really smoke do you” I asked.

“No” she said.

“Then why are you here”.

“I needed some time away from Octavia and I wanted to talk to you”. 

I looked aside, straight into the greenest eyes I had ever seen in my life. It struck me then just how green they were, they reminded me of the forests around my house, the intensity of her gaze made my heart beat faster.

“Why”.

Silence. 

“I .. I’m not sure why exactly”. 

“That’s not a very clear answer”. 

“I’m aware of that. I just wanted to be away from Octavia and talk to you. We haven’t spoken to each other all evening, for some reason Raven keeps giving you jobs to do. Why is that” Lexa asked. 

“You caught up on that huh” I asked.

“Well, it was quite obvious, I just don’t understand why”. 

For a long moment I said nothing and lighted my cigarette. 

“According to Raven we acted weird when we met, she is afraid that I’ll steal you away from Octavia”.

“Would that be a bad thing”.

“Yes”.

“Why”.

“Because, in the past there have been girls that were interested in me and tried to get to me via Octavia and there were also girls who were dating Octavia who met me and fell in love with me”.

I wasn’t exactly sure why I was being so honest about this and to a stranger for that matter. 

“Did you ever act on it”.

“No, never, of course not, we're friends”. 

 

"Are you".

I stared aside "are we what".

"Friends".

"I would say so yes, why".

Lexa said nothing for a moment “because she's not very nice to you".

I smiled a little "Yeah, I know, she actually blames me for those girls hurting her".

"That's not fair".

"Isn't it, I mean, those girls used her to get to me, all the pain she has felt is connected to me, believe me she's been hurt really bad, one girl was in a relationship with her for one year and she admitted to me that she'd been with her only because she wanted to be with me, eventually she told her too. I kind of understand why she blames me even though it's not my fault" I said.

For a long moment Lexa looked at me, she appeared to try to figure me out. 

"We're not together you know, we've been out on one date last month but I told her that it wasn't going to work out".

"Why not" I asked curiously. 

"Because she's not my type, we had nothing to talk about and there just wasn't a spark" Lexa said.  
I thought about that for a moment, unsure of what to think and believe. Raven had made it look like they were in a relationship together. Perhaps that was how Octavia had made it seem. Perhaps it was exactly the way Lexa had told her. 

"I'm not sure what to say" I then said. 

Lexa smiled at me "you don't have to say anything, I just wanted you to know".

"Why".

"Because I want you to ask me out"

"I can't".

"Do you want to".

"Maybe" I admitted.

“What if you did”. 

“I’d still hurt Octavia”.

“You’re loyal”.

“Yes, I am, my friends mean a lot to me, we’ve all known each other forever”.

Lexa said nothing for a while and I stared at the darkened road in front of the house. For a long moment we sat together in silence while I smoked. 

“You’d give up a chance at love for a friend” Lexa then suddenly asked.

“Who’s talking about love” I asked, confused.

“I’m talking in general”.

I took a last drag from her cigarette, blew out the smoke and dropped it, only to crush it under my shoe. Then I got up, made my way over to the front door, turned around and looked her straight in the eyes before I said “Love has never brought me anything but sorrow so yes I would”. 

Then I went inside and didn't even wait for Lexa to follow me. Feeling angry and confused I made my way into the kitchen where I started on my desert, hoping that Lexa wouldn't come into the kitchen to talk some more. I sent away both Indra and Raven, who wanted to help me. I needed to think about the conversation I’d had with Lexa, I had lied about the love bringing me nothing but sorrow part for I have never experienced real love, I’ve seen it around me, but I’ve never experienced the real deal. For some reason it always seemed scary to me and not worthy of my attention. Of course there had been times when I thought I had been in love but over the years I wasn’t so sure whether I actually had been. 

After serving desert to my friends and Lexa I gave them all an apologetic smile and excused myself, saying that I wasn't not feeling well. I could see on each face, that they didn't believe me, Lexa probably had the same look on her face but I dared not look at her, not even for one split second. Before anyone could object I whistled for Bellamy to follow me and together we fled the house.  
When I got home I pulled on a warmer jacket, it was only nine-thirty but I thought it would be as good a time as ever to walk Bellamy, so I went out into the woods and walked around for an hour or so before I went home again, keeping only to the paths, none of which have any lighting of course, which made every walk at night a little creepy. I realized that on walks like that one it would be nice to have some company other than my not so scary dog. My thoughts immediately went to Lexa, it would be nice to have her along with me. I shook my head. "Don’t even go there" I whispered to myself. 

I whistled for my dog, signaling him that we were going home and after a short moment he came running toward me. When we arrived back home I realized my head was not cleared the way it should have been so I decided to do a little bit of painting. I turned on Canto Ostinato very loudly and started mixing my paint, I had no idea what I was about to paint but my ideas usually came to me whenever I started a painting, as if my hands started moving out of their own accord. That happened to me a lot and usually it resulted in the best paintings, they usually represented what was on my mind. I should have known where my thoughts would take me that night.

To my surprise I worked all through the night, with piano music playing on the background to soothe my mind I was once again glad to be living in a house that was located in the middle of nowhere. My closest neighbor lived a ten minute walk away. Which was good because I liked to listen to music very loudly, all day and sometimes all night as well. I only realized that the night is over when the first rays of sunlight reached through the big open windows of my workplace. I then also realize that my painting was finished so I took a step back to see what it had become. It had become a perfect image of the person that should not have been on my mind, Lexa. In a way, I should have seen that coming. A sadness came over me, I would never be able to ask her out. Octavia would kill me. No matter what Lexa said, I couldn't just screw Octavia over like that, our history was just too difficult and too sensitive. Even though Octavia had always blamed her for the mistakes of others, she would not give Octavia the opportunity to say, 'See, you are a girlfriend-stealing-bitch'. 

It wasn't worth it. No one would ever be worth that. 

Not even her. 

Right?


End file.
